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"Where are the aphrodisiacs?" "That Connery better stop pawing through my garbage or there'll
be hell to pay!" "Where's the vagina?" "Hey! That's my elbow!" "BOINNNNNG!" "If that little twerp comes near my pee-pee again, I'm going
to give him such a smack!" "BEANS!" "OOOOH, Oscar!" "Oh, No, you're not going to drag me into THIS!" "I still can't find the damn thing. Can't you give me a hint?" "I saw a strange occurence one afternoon… a meteorite smashed
into the ground, barely missing this odd chap named UFOteacher. Without
skipping a beat, he looked up at the sky and bellowed, 'You missed
me again – JACKASS,' upon which he began ranting and raving
about something concerning birth control, hairy fishnuts and a bottle
of Kentucky whiskey. He fell into a manhole shortly after that and
disappeared!" "If it weren't for Rick Smith, I would never have known the
definition of the word 'bobblemonkey'." "I would be truly enjoying my career if it wasn't for Rick Smith.
I know he means well but I feel he is the foulest man I have ever
met." "Rick Smith (aka UFOteacher) is a fine-smelling man." "His is the first book I've read where I didn't throw up afterwards." "Rick Smith's artwork is so erotic that it makes me diddle myself." "Where's the bathroom?" "Okay, okay, I ADMIT it! I stole the concept for Star Trek
from Rick Smith, UFOteacher, and never had the balls or the integrity
to own up to my crimes. Don't worry, I'm paying for it now that I'm
dead." "Where are the bikinis?" "Rick Smith is the whitest white man in the history of the world
(next to David Koukol)." "Rick Smith is the one and only white man that I truly fear." "Rick Smith is the one and only white man that we want to kill." "Genetic cloning was banned in Australia, China and Wyoming
because of him." "I absolutely cannot stand the man! He keeps badmouthing the
Bible… he never washes himself… he drops his pants in public…
he is an utter disaster to behold! I wish he would stop telling everyone
the size of my penis." "Okay, okay, I ADMIT it! I stole the concept for Babylon
5 from Rick Smith, UFOteacher. I'm admitting it now so the fans
will call off the thirty foot tall salamander that is making a meal
of my testicles." "Rick Smith has the largest cock I've ever seen in my life." "Who the hell is Rick Smith?" "Who the hell is David J. Koukol?" "It's not as big as Patrick McGoohan's." "Rick Smith found my G-Spot before we even had sex! And
then he took me out for a cheeseburger." "He sleeps with the fishes." "He's not TV; he's HBO." "Rick Smith is a made man; so now I have to kiss his silly,
skank-rod ass." "Okay, OKAY, I admit it! Rick Smith stole the concept for The
X-Files from me, but I took a pound of his flesh and got my name
restored to the series before its premiere. Got you, UFOteacher!" "Bottoms!" "That bastard Rick almost got the job of the Fourth Doctor,
but I gutted him like a pig ready for the slaughter and they cast
me instead. He's forgiven me now, of course, and even dedicated his
first grandchild to me." "When I think about him, I touch Lisa." "Rick Smith kept jumpin' around like water on a griddle, but
I got him in the end." "Rick ain't nothin' but a hound dog, cryin' all the time." "When I think about Lisa, I touch Rick Smith." "He's a hunk'a hunk'a burning...something or other." "Rick's kisses are dreamy, but those hairballs down my cleavage..." "I've won two Oscars; I have a lovely, talented wife; I co-produce
an HBO mini-series with the likes of Steve Spielberg; I'm a cast member
of the much-lamented 'Bosom Buddies' TV series; but I go to bed every
night with tears in my eyes because I am not Rick Smith's left testicle." "!nwod gnillaf era stnap sih !nwod gnillaf era stnap sih" "I modeled my exosuit on Rick Smith's physique (age two)." "I modeled Aunt Harriet on Rick Smith's underpants." "Rick Smith's autobiography is the worst Western novel I've
ever read." "David Koukol's autobiography is the worst Rick Smith autobiography
I've ever read." "Whither Canada?" "I'll never forget the evening on which Rick Smith paid a pilot
to fly over Goldeneye, my house in Jamaica, and use night vision sky
writing to plaster 'James Bond is a pansy' all across the Heavens." "Rick Smith has the juiciest pussy I've ever tasted." "Vermin! Filthy-mouthed, potty-brained vermin!" "Rick Smith pisses me off." "Rick Smith is the only black mutha fucka to win the 'White-Ass
Cracker Award.'" "Hey, kid, get yer finger outta there!" "Bloody hell! I’m going to shoot the swine once and for
all!" "I remember one infamous evening when Rick Smith stunned an
entire audience, announcing: "Satan is Bucky, the Wonder Llama."
We weren't quite sure what he meant by this. I think the man needs
medication. "His book sucks. His website sucks. And we really don’t
like him! Fuck you, Rick!" "It's all HIS fault! When I was a young, naive, Hungarian sunflower,
that asshole told me to use 'Rag-Ass Bitch' as a qualification on
my job resume. Bite me, Rick… now I can't get a goddam job anywhere!" "Rick Smith is the red-headed stepchild I never wanted. Thank
God I don’t procreate anymore." "I keep telling the idiot to start drinking heavily." "I know he likes to pick dandelions and howl at the Moon. He's
always been a bit odd… but he's still my little bumpkin." "Rick Smith is a better lover than artist...or is that the other
way around?" "No he's not!" YOU REALLY HAVE WAY TOO MUCH FREE TIME THESE DAYS, DON'T YOU?!?!?!?!?!?!
"I got a strange call from someone… the voice didn't even
sound human! He said his name was Richard Smith… and that something
bad was going to happen in his bed on December 19th, 20,845." "Mr. Smith is a very charitable, warm-hearted man. He was kind
enough to give us his entire Ernest Borgnine nude photo collection." "When I think of him, I want to rip out every last page in the
Torah… he is a thorn in our side. He told everyone in America
that I have an iron cross tattooed on my ass. DAMN THAT MAN!" "Rick Smith is the reason I don't show my face down there anymore."
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Disclaimer: This film was shot on location
in Portmeirion, Wales. The above is satire. All individuals, entities
and displaced poltergeists named above are fictitious and in no way
represent the actual horseshit that the elongated, bipedal brassiere
- David J. Koukol - keeps spreading about UFOteacher. The Mothman really
is Bad Harlan. Tom Hanks is still full of crap. Lord "Pottymouth"
Wainright drinks like a fish and passes wind quite often. Rick Smith
does not wear parachute panties. This is a disclaimer. And so's your
pillow. |
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GET
UFOteacher* 
"If I had
a dick, I'd never leave the house!"